As we close out 2018, “4-Color to 35-Millimeter” is firmly ensconced in the 21st-century renaissance of superhero movies. However, your humble rewatcher did miss a few 20th-century flicks that fit the bill, so in this final week of the year, we’ll take a look at those forgotten films, starting today with 1985’s Red Sonja starring Brigitte Nielsen.
Red Sonja, who has appeared as a supporting character in Conan the Barbarian comic books and on her own, both is and isn’t a creation of Conan creator Robert E. Howard. Howard had a character named Sonya of Rogatino who was not part of the Conan stories, but instead a historical fiction character, from a tale taking place in the 16th century.
Marvel had the rights to do comic-book versions of Conan from 1970 to 1993. In issue #23 of Conan the Barbarian, published in 1973, Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith introduced the character of Red Sonja as a woman who teamed up with Conan on a thieving job.
The character became hugely popular, and is still published as a comics character today—and also was the star of a 1985 movie.
The Marvel version of Conan is arguably the most popular version of the character, though a case is to be made for the Arnold Schwarzenegger movies made in 1982 and 1984. Having said that, a big reason why those two films were green-lit was the character’s popularity in four-color form. Still, Conan has his origins as a literary character, so those two movies (and the disastrous 2011 version starring Jason Momoa) don’t fall under the purview of this rewatch.
(Digression: the Momoa film is actually the adaptation of the character that’s closest to Howard’s original stories. That’s both its greatest asset and its greatest weakness, as those stories haven’t really aged particularly well, and don’t work with an early 21st-century movie-going audience that has different expectations from the early 20th-century pulp-fiction-reading audience.)
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Red Sonja, though, is a different kettle of fish. While strictly speaking based on a Howard character, that Howard character is not part of the Hyborean milieu of the Conan stories. (There’s also an argument that Thomas and Windsor-Smith were equally inspired by another Howard character from his medieval historical fiction, Agnes de Chastillon, but she’s not part of the “Conan-verse,” either.)
Dubbed “the she-devil with a sword,” Sonja quickly became a fan favorite, especially in her adventures as drawn by the legendary Frank Thorne, who popularized her chain-mail bikini look, an armored outfit that is as epic in its impracticality as it is in its influence (the “bad-girl” boom of comics in the 1990s can trace some of its inspiration back to the popularity of Sonja in Conan the Barbarian, Marvel Feature, and her own eponymous title).
With the success of Schwarzenegger’s two Conan films, Dino de Laurentiis wanted to do a Red Sonja film. He originally approached Sandahl Bergman—who played Valeria in Conan the Barbarian—to play the title role, but she preferred to play Queen Gedren, the film’s villain. Schwarzenegger was also cast in the film, but not as Conan, but rather as Lord Kalidor, who aids Sonja in her quest in the film. Because it was the 1980s, there needed to be a kid sidekick, so we get Ernie Reyes Jr. in only his second film role (following The Last Dragon) as a snotty prince, with Paul L. Smith as his long-suffering majordomo Falkon.
Casting of the title role proved difficult. Bergman turned it down, de Laurentiis’s second choice, Laurene Landon, had had a similar role in the movie Hundra, and Eileen Davidson auditioned, but didn’t get it. Allegedly, de Laurentiis saw a picture of Danish model Brigitte Nielsen on the cover of a European fashion magazine and summoned her for a screen test. It was Nielsen’s first acting role, one that led to tons more, as she has worked consistently as an actor ever since (and been pretty heavily featured in tabloid journalism for a variety of reasons having little to do with her acting).
The movie was a serious flop, with Schwarzenegger calling it the worst film of his career. (No small accomplishment that, given his filmography.) A new Red Sonja film is currently in development with a script by Ashley Edward Miller (X-Men: First Class, Thor) and to be directed by Bryan Singer (four of the X-films, Superman Returns).
“I know my future—you have none”
Red Sonja
Written by Clive Exton & George MacDonald Fraser
Directed by Richard Fleischer
Produced by Christian Ferry
Original release date: July 3, 1985
We first see Red Sonja unconscious near a burning village. She awakens, and the goddess Scáthach appears before her, telling her (well, really, the audience, since Sonja knows all this stuff) that her family was killed and her village torched by Queen Gedren after Sonja refused the queen’s sexual advances and then scarred her face with her sword. Sonja was left for dead, but Scáthach now gives her great power so she can seek vengeance on Gedren.
A collection of female priests are the caretakers of the Talisman, a stone of incredible power that supposedly helped create the world. It becomes more powerful as it’s exposed to light. They need to enclose it in darkness forever, but before they can, Gedren’s soldiers attack. The priests put up a good fight, but are eventually defeated. Gedren takes the Talisman—which can only be touched by a woman, any man who touches it is disintegrated—and heads back to her castle.
Only one of the priests is still alive: Sonja’s sister, Varna, who is wounded. She escapes, and finds Lord Kalidor, who was supposed to supervise the ceremony, but was running late. Kalidor finds Sonja training with the Grand Master, a master swordsman who claims that Sonja is now his equal.
Kalidor takes Sonja to Varna, who tasks her sister with retrieving and destroying the Talisman, then dies. Sonja refuses Kalidor’s help and goes alone to fulfill Varna’s request. The trail leads through the realm of Hablock, but all that is left of Hablock by the time she arrives is the snotty Prince Tarn and his majordomo Falkon. Gedren attacked and destroyed Hablock, scattering his people and his armies. Tarn intends to raise another army to take his land back, though he’s unclear as to the specifics of how he’ll do that. Sonja politely refuses Tarn’s offer to become his cook, and continues on.
She crosses the realm of Lord Brytag, who will only let her pass in exchange for sexual favors. Sonja has sworn she’ll only sleep with a man who has defeated her in combat. Brytag will take that action, and they fight—but Sonja kills him, and then is attacked by his troops (who are probably pissed that she killed their employer). Kalidor shows up out of nowhere and holds them off while she continues on her way.
Tarn and Falkon have been captured by bandits, who are torturing the boy in the hopes of getting their hands on his gold—the prince’s insistence that he has no gold falls on deaf ears. Sonja saves them and the three of them continue together to Gedren’s domain. Sonja also gives Tarn—who already has some fighting skills—some sword training.
Gedren’s wizard detects hostile forces approaching, and shows her Sonja, Tarn, and Falkon. Gedren recognizes Sonja as the one who scarred her and insists that she, at least, be captured alive so she can kill her herself. Using the Talisman to conjure a storm, Gedren forces Sonja and the others to take refuge in a cavern. A pearl inside a gargoyle proves too tempting for Tarn, who has Falkon remove it—but his doing so causes the cavern to flood, and a mechanical monster to attack them. Kalidor shows up again to save the day, and he and Sonja manage to disable the creature.
Kalidor finally explains who he is and who he works for, and Sonja finally accepts his assistance. He also comes on to her, at which point she tells him about her vow. So they fight—but neither side gets the upper hand, and eventually they are both too exhausted to continue.
They arrive at Gedren’s castle. Tarn stays behind to guard the outside while the other three go in.
The storms are growing worse, and Gedren’s chamberlain, Ikol, fears that she’s losing control of the Talisman. He insists that she put it in a dark place, but instead Gedren puts it in a room filled with candles, making it more powerful—and more destructive. Deciding that discretion is the better part of valor, Ikol legs it—but he bumps into Tarn outside. The little prince manages to fend off Ikol with his mad sword skillz, then smushes him with a rolling door. (Even the prince makes an “ew ick” face as Ikol is flattened.)
While Falkon and Kalidor fight off Gedren’s soldiers, Sonja and Gedren face off inside the chamber where the Talisman is kept. At this point, the storms and earthquakes have gotten so bad that the earth is splitting open and the castle is falling to pieces. Sonja defeats Gedren, throwing her into a newly opened chasm, then throws the Talisman down after it. Our heroes then run away quickly before the castle collapses.
Despite the fact that he hasn’t actually defeated her in combat, Sonja kisses Kalidor.
“If danger is a trade, I’ll learn it by myself”
This movie actually isn’t as bad as I remember it being. That’s not to say that it’s, y’know, good or anything, but there are worse ways to kill an hour and a half.
There are several issues with this movie, the first being a similar problem to that which plagued the two Conan films. English is not the first language of either of the two primary leads, and it shows. Schwarzenegger is better than he was in Conan the Barbarian (where they sensibly kept his dialogue to a minimum), but he’s still struggling, and his struggles are as nothing compared to those of Nielsen. Her dialogue comes across as labored, as Nielsen is obviously struggling to wrap her tongue around an unfamiliar language. Her inflections are off, the words sounding wrong.
At the very least, she has the physicality for the role, and her perpetually pissed-off look serves the character well.
If only the antagonist had the same excuse. Sandahl Bergman is not someone you hire for her acting skills—she’s got tremendous physical presence and is a superlative stuntwoman, and she would’ve been much better in the title role. As it is, Gedren doesn’t do anything physical until the climactic swordfight. By then it’s too late, as it’s impossible to take Gedren seriously as an antagonist because Bergman’s performance is so wooden.
The rest of the cast does decently. Like Bergman, Ernie Reyes Jr. is better known for his physicality (even as a kid) than his acting skills (recall his dreadful performance as a teenager in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze), but here he takes the cute-kid-sidekick role and inverts it sufficiently by making Tarn as obnoxious as humanly possible. Paul J. Smith does quite well as the long-suffering Falkon, and Ronald Lacey plays pretty much the same slimy character he always plays (cf. Toht in Raiders of the Lost Ark).
The script is trapped between adapting an existing character and servicing the needs of Hollywood. The two biggest problems are the presence of Schwarzenegger’s Kalidor, who’s there as a hedge against a) a female protagonist who is b) played by an unknown; and the ending, where they kiss. It contravenes the whole point of Red Sonja to have her forego her vow just like that at the end for the sake of a very Hollywood-ized kiss. (And yes, I know Sonja’s vow only to sleep with a man who overpowers her is problematic to say the least, and one that has been fodder for many a comic book story, but this movie doesn’t really address it except to have Kalidor make fun of it and have Sonja ignore it for Kalidor, which is giving Schwarzenegger’s musculature way too much credit.) Having said that, I enjoyed the hell out of Sonja and Kalidor fighting each other so hard that they both collapse from exhaustion.
In the comics, Red Sonja has been both a figure of sex appeal and a figure of feminism, sometimes both at the same time. (Tellingly, she’s been at her best when written by women, as the best Sonja comics are the ones written by Louise Simonson in the 1980s and Gail Simone in the 2010s.) On film, though, she’s just another generic 80s fantasy action heroine indistinguishable from all the others. Even the one thing that makes her different from the others—her vow—is handled poorly.
Tomorrow we’ll take a look at the 1990 film adaptation of the comic strip classic, Dick Tracy.
Keith R.A. DeCandido wishes everybody the happiest of holidays.
I saw this film on TV once long ago, but I got a refresher when Turner Classic Movies aired it late last year. I guess that TCM was doing a double-feature of bad movies with female leads, since it was back-to-back with Bo Derek’s inconceivably atrocious Tarzan the Ape Man remake. But even though the two films had comparably poor critical reception, I didn’t think Red Sonja was remotely near as bad as Tarzan. Sure, it doesn’t have very good acting, the plot and the Macguffin are insubstantial, and the sexual politics are highly problematical, but I found it entertaining. I felt that the boy king and his servant were entertaining characters, and I liked their developing relationship with Sonja and with each other. The romance between Sonja and Lord Not-Conan-for-Copyright-Purposes was predictable, but the long, inconclusive fight sequence was funny. Some good stunt work there, too.
There’s also some clever production design and visual effects — a number of structures are built out of the petrified remains of giant animals, a neat matter-of-fact worldbuilding touch, and the villainess’s castle wall is made of large stones carved with creepy faces. Aside from a clumsy and rushed start, the direction isn’t bad. Richard Fleischer’s directorial resume includes far more impressive films such as 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Fantastic Voyage, and Soylent Green. (He’s also the son of animation legend Max Fleischer.)
If you think about it, Red Sonja is essentially the very first feature film based on a Marvel Comics character, predating Howard the Duck by a year. But it generally isn’t counted as a Marvel movie due to the character’s Conan-derived origins.
Christopher: Yeah, I didn’t even think of this as a comics movie, but it really is. For all that she’s loosely based on two different Howard characters, Red Sonja as we know her (and as she’s portrayed in this film) is entirely a product of the comics medium. Hence the belated inclusion in this rewatch….
—Keith R.A. DeCandido
George MacDonald MFing Fraser?!?!?
Admit I haven’t seen this one, and likely won’t. I do remember the Louise Simonson comics fondly, and I’ve read & enjoyed one of the Gail Simon collections.
(And when I first discovered the character back in the day, not knowing that her name was derived from “Sonya”, I was pronouncing the J as in Jim. So instead of Son-ya, I was saying Son-ja. Which to my mind, at least, is a more interesting fantasy pronunciation …)
By far the best part of this film was the wonderful music of Ennio Morricone.
I liked it, it is high fantasy, campy, and fun. I can easily watch it any time I come across it while channel surfing, and even have it in my library to watch specifically from time to time. I agree there isn’t a great deal of substance to it, but that is part of its charm. I actually put it up there with The Dark Crystal in terms of the high fantasy films to watch.
“and Ronald Lacey plays pretty much the same slimy character he always plays (cf. Toht in Raiders of the Lost Ark).”
Aw. I rather liked him as the President of the United States in The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.
Arnold thought this was his worst movie? Wow, I mean, sure it’s bad, but it’s no Hercules in New York.
Trivia: Several years back there was going to be a remake directed by Robert Rodriguez and starring Rose McGowan. There were even posters for the movie distributed at sci-fi cons. But it never happened.
Confession: I actually made an offer for the novelization rights, based on the poster alone, but, again, the movie never happened.
Rose McGowan as Red Sonja seems like a bad idea.
@9/MaGnUs: McGowan has done some action roles effectively, I gather, so she probably could’ve handled Red Sonja. The only way in which I think she would’ve been a poor choice is that she’s only 5’4″. Red Sonja is supposed to be a tall, statuesque woman; one reason they had so much trouble casting the role in Fleischer’s film is that they couldn’t find an actress physically imposing enough until they discovered the 6’1″ Brigitte Nielsen.
But then, Hugh Jackman is 11 inches taller than Wolverine, so it’s not strictly necessary for an actor to physically match their character.
Height is also something you can fudge. You can watch the entirety of Thelma and Louise and not realize that Geena Davis is a full foot taller than Susan Sarandon. And McGowan’s most effective action role was also with Rodriguez as her director, in Planet Terror.
—Keith R.A. DeCandido
I call bullshit. The (awful) Jason Momoa Conan The Barbarian is as far in spirit from the Howard original as any iteration of the character in any medium.
@11/krad: When I saw the awful 1984 sci-fi comedy Ice Pirates a couple of years ago, I was puzzled by how short the 6’1″ Ron Perlman appeared to be in the film. It turns out that many of his co-stars were also really tall — Robert Urich and Michael D. Roberts at 6′ 2″, John Matuszak at 6′ 8″, Anjelica Huston at 5′ 10”. As my father (who was 6′ 2 1/2″) liked to say, context is everything.
This is one of a few movies I will rewatch just because of the music. Ennio Morricone did something special for Red Sonja.
@7 You talking smack about “Hercules in New York”? That is a movie that circled back around to be being genius. And it has sections that are just guys flexing their pecs, we should have more movies like that.
#15
Not talking smack, only saying it’s Arnold’s worst movie, which automatically makes it terrific. If there was a Hercules in New York extended universe, the world would be a better place.
By the way, if anyone is interested in seeing what is probably Arnold’s worst performance as an actor — and by worst I mean hilarious — see the episode of Streets of San Francisco he did as a bodybuilder with rage issues.
Skallagrimsen: I agree, actually. It’s an object lesson in why literal adaptations aren’t always a good thing. It’s true to the letter of REH, but not the spirit.
— Keith R.A. DeCandido
Scathach was a genuine legendary figure. A powerful warrior woman who ran a training school for heroes on the Isle of Skye. Cu Chulain was her most famous alumnus. What’s she doing in this mess?
I have to say that probably the best two things to happen to the character were both from Gail Simone: one, abandoning the vow (which is really that she will ‘lay’ with no one/man (depending on when the story is written) who is incapable of defeating her in battle, or else she loses her strength; some Elseworlds comics play with this a lot); and two, I think it was her writing that came up with the explanation for the chainmail bikini look that made most sense. (Namely that her agility would be wasted in heavy plate armor, plus it tends to be distracting. Even when the opposition is NOT thinking with their ‘other brains’, so to speak.)
This movie, it was… mostly harmless. I think it has enough absurdity (like the ‘I hate it when I don’t clear the cache from my scrying pool’ moment, as TV Tropes has it) to be So Bad It’s Good. Not that I’d go out of my way to watch it, but it doesn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth or anything.
Height can be fudged quite a bit. Sometimes more seamlessly than others. I can’t help yelling “He’s standing on a box!” at many of Paltrow and Downey Jr.’s scenes in the Marvel movies. They can often mask it fairly smoothly by using parts of the set to justify having them eye-to-eye, but the park scene at the start of Infinity war is hilarious if you are watching for it.
The directors and cinematographers who have inherited the characterizations must curse the Iron Man 1 production every day for not just letting Tony Stark be a bit short.
Ran across this in Moorcock’s Fantasy: 101 Best Books: chapter 47 CL Moore: Jirel of Joiry:
“Back in 1934, when Conan the Cimmerian was rampaging through Weird Tales, his rule was already being challenged by Jirel of Joiry. Tall and red-haired, with lion-yellow eyes… [set] in a romantic version of medieval France, the action moves rapidly to lands beyond.” Moorcock uses the phrase “female school of Sword &Sorcery.”
Also: Jirel of Joiry
Howard most likely was aware of the character, but was Roy Thomas?
@13
Ice Pirates was one of the very few movies I walked out of half way through after paying good money to see it. Terrible movie.
I don’t mind Rose McGowan doing action roles, I just don’t think she’d be a good fit for Red Sonja.
This sentence structure is really awkward. To me, it reads as though you’re saying Kalidor dies.
@32, Really? I think Ice Pirates is a hoot. But then I never paid money to see it.
@26/roxana: I saw Ice Pirates free on TV, and I loathed it. Slapdash, barely coherent writing, unfunny comedy, cheap production values and effects, even the odd bit of racism. The acting was lazy and phoned in, like nobody really wanted to be there and was just going through the motions. I won’t even get into the nonsensical premise of the galaxy running out of water.
I remember seeing Conan when it first came out. Arnold got a passing grade largely because he had really studied swordwork. Sandal Bergman and Gerry Lopez also trained heavily. As we left the theater the conversation largely revolved around Bergman playing Sonja.
When news came out Brigette Nielsen was taking the title role, it was followed with the not too surprising revelation that Nielsen’s overwhelming asset was her relationship with Sylvester Stallone. This became clear throughout a performance lacking physicality, chemistry, talent and even sexuality. Nielsen came across as a woman just willing to show off her boobs. Something better done by Sandalh Bergman in All That Jazz.
@27, I think it’s the fact that the premise is so obviously silly that allows me to sit back and enjoy the ride. Also I’m just not a very discriminating viewer.
I remember two main things about this film: 1) Arnold’s hilariously long horse riding sequence at the opening of the film (it gave me giggles that just wouldn’t stop as he trotted through yet another landscape on a forlorn-looking horse); 2) Seeing the prince ape Red Sonja’s sword moves and realising that he was a better martial artist than either of the two leads.
@17 Krad: I agree about literal adaptations: they often fail to convey the spirit of the original. I’m all for mining the subtext and imaginative reinterpretation–provided, of course, it’s done with skill and respect for the source material. That said, I didn’t find the Momoa version to be very literal. To the contrary, it reminded me far less of any REH story than of some two part issue of Savage Sword from the mid 80s. I wouldn’t be surprised if the screen writers had never so much as read “Beyond The Black River,” Hour Of The Dragon or “A Witch Shall Be Born.”
@23MaGnUs: Why not? She could battle a loathsome corpulent toad-monster modeled on Harvey Weinstein.
Again, as another action character, I’d like her.
@@@@@ 21
Robert Howard sent a letter to C L Moore praising her for the Jirel of Joiry stories. Then he sent her a draft of his Dark Agnes of Chastillon story, and she praised it as well. So they knew each other’s stories.
I don’t know if Roy Thomas knew about Jirel, though. Not much of Jirel in the Red Sonja in the comics, aside from the red hair, which Red Sonya of Rogatino (the character Howard wrote in The Shadow of the Vulture and from which most of Red Sonja comes from) also had.
@33. Ryamano:
“There’s also an argument that Thomas and Windsor-Smith were equally inspired by another Howard character from his medieval historical fiction, Agnes de Chastillon…” -krad
Did Agnes have red hair? Maybe they had a thing for gingers back then… In any case, reading the account of Jirel’s adventures has similarities with Sonja’s comics escapades. Jirel had access to other realms thru portals in her castle. She wasn’t confined to her era.
Someone should write a comprehensive book about the origins and influences of Marvel characters in the pulps. Stan Lee and his acolyte, Roy Thomas, drew a lot from the published SF and fantasy of mid-twentieth century. (Maybe one exists already.)
@ChristopherLBennett Short women can be very intimating, and can be filmed imposingly, such that many don’t realize how short they really are.
For example, Scarlett Johanson is only 5’3″.
Many actors play literary roles where they don’t match the physical features. It really shouldn’t be a huge consideration outside of possible culture issues.
Amy Chu’s run on ‘Red Sonja’ is just coming to an end and has surpassed Gail Simone’s in length, popularity and, for me, quality. Gail wrote Sonja as Conan with breasts, a perpetually angry and horny drunkard; Amy writes Sonja as far more endearing and charismatic, as well as being much more physically formidable but being notably more pragmatic and shrewd than Conan. I like Gail’s work on many characters but I don’t think she ever really ‘got’ the classic version of Sonja and by changing so much, she came up with a completely different character. Her Conan went too much the other way, he was too likeable. As for the vow, I think it’s fine to have a vow with all the rape elements taken out. Just have Sonja believing a goddess granted her fighting skill and devoting her life to the goddess in return … and if she’s ever defeated in battle, she has to live a life of piety instead. It’s really that simple. Red Sonja without a vow is not Red Sonja.
Laurene Landon got a mention in this article … ‘Hundra’ is an infinitely more fun movie than ‘Red Sonja’ was. It’s absolutely bizarre in places but the action sequences are fantastic.
For the record, Amy’s Sonja is actually stated in the stories to be six feet tall.
Laurene Landon isn’t quite that tall but she was imposing and athletic regardless. Lucy Lawless worked great as Xena partly because she was about 5’10”, could look many of her male co-stars in the eye and dwarfed Renee O’Connor. Lana Clarkson made a pretty convincing barbarian queen because she was about six feet tall
Whichever actress gets the Red Sonja role should be strikingly beautiful but should also be intimidating – enough that any tipsy guy would think twice before hitting on her in a Hyborian tavern
@37/Nick: Honestly, by the last couple of seasons of Xena, Renee O’Connor arguably looked more muscular and badass than Lucy Lawless did.
She gained a wicked set of abs when she cut her hair, that’s for sure :)
The ultimate in muscular and badass in Xena though was Tsianina Joelson, who played Varia. She’d have made an AWESOME Red Sonja