The old man in science fiction and fantasy is multitudinous. He shows his age in ways physical and spiritual. He can be a wise old mentor or a forbidding elder. He can be a distant God or a loving grandfather. He can be a mad king or a cackling peasant. Sometimes he is ancient without looking it—Tom Bombadil—sometimes he is jolly and kind—Tom Bombadil—sometimes he is unearthly and strange—Tom Bombadil—sometimes he sucks and is awful—Tom Bombadil.
My favourite hideous old men in books are the ones who are dreadful, but whom I also love on sight. I love little old men who cackle, and I love dignified greybeards, and grizzled old soldiers. But mostly I love them when they make me want to drink the cursed red liquid from the mummy’s sarcophagus, and die.
Here are five books about bad old men. You will notice that one of the books is a video game, in my ongoing attempt to bring SFF video-game writing to the fore. For is not a video game just like a book, except one with sounds and moving images, which you have to interact with, and which is not in fact anything like a book at all?
Tó Neinilii from Storm of Locusts, by Rebecca Roanhorse
This sequel to Roanhorse’s high-octane apocalypse ramble contains an old man whom I at first disliked, then liked again, and by the end realised was bad news beyond reckoning. If this was just a list of ‘old men who make you feel pain’ I’d put Tah, Kai Arviso’s wonderful granddad, but matchmaking Tah is an angel cake who only makes me feel pain in that I was terrified over his survival prospects. No, the bad old man of Storm of Locusts is Tó Neinilii, whose deceptively lighthanded appearance involves Hoskie and her travelling band of badasses encountering him while dealing with the White Locust. Tó wears pyjamas recreationally, lives on a houseboat, and forces Maggie Hoskie to make him a refreshing iced tea in the greatest power move of the series. To say that he is more than he appears is not a spoiler. To say that he is the surprising locus of some explosions I expect to see echo through the next book is, but I will say it anyway. Tó twinkles whimsically, chuckles more than once, and is responsible for Maggie’s group having to do an extended fishing minigame. In a very typical bad old man move he tries to give Maggie a metaphorical life lesson, but she’s genre-savvy and is having none of it. Great stuff.
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Storm of Locusts
Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, by JK Rowling
Albus Dumbledore is the bad old man who broke a bad old mould. He is awful in every single Harry Potter book, but particularly so on his first outing. There is so much I could say about why Dumbledore is one of the baddest old men you’ll find in SFF—so much I did say that I had to cut down this paragraph by five thousand words. Take this as evidence: Dumbledore is so bad that every single spin-off Dumbledore in the major Harry Potter parodies sucks in a totally different way, from the constantly naked Dumbledore of Potter Puppet Pals to whatever is going on in Wizard People, Dear Reader. Yet in each he remains recognisably Dumbledore, proving that a specific Dumbledoric terribleness transcends all individual manifestations of the form. Anyway, Harry Potter’s grandpa stand-in and the greatest wizard in wizarding history is horrible not just because he is both intensely hands-off and grotesquely meddlesome, but because as a former boarding-school teacher myself I cannot bear to think how bad it would have been working under him. There’s a meeting about size-and-shape for next year, Albus. Oh, you’ve buggered off to London again? That’s cool, can you pick up an entire structure of support staff while you’re there?
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Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Ubertino of Casale from The Name of the Rose, by Umberto Eco
Ubertino of Casale was a real-life figure, a 13th-century priest who insisted on stricter interpretations of Christian poverty. In The Name of the Rose he is still a 13th-century priest insisting on strict interpretations of Christian poverty, but also an extremely terrible old Franciscan who interrupts the murder mystery constantly to talk about anti-popes and to try to stick his tongue in the hero’s ear. He is also very hot on the topic of magical nuns. Eco’s metanarrative novel about that one book you super can’t find is not quite science-fiction or fantasy—you would be forgiven for thinking so during any one of Adso of Melk’s visions—but Ubertino deserves mention because he is the worst bad old man in a cast thronging with bad old men. He is as twinkly as Dumbledore, but entirely more sinister; more embarrassing and awkward than Tó; inarguably at the top of his game, but arguably also someone you wish wasn’t currently there in the novel. Ubertino of Casale gets the old-man award of old man on this list I most would not want to be stuck in an elevator with.
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The Name of the Rose
Mustrum Ridcully from Discworld, by Terry Pratchett
Unlike with Dumbledore, I cannot pick a single book in which Mustrum Ridcully (the Brown), (DThau, DM, BS, DMn, DG, DD, DMPhil, DMS, DCM, DW & BElL) is the worst, because he is equally bad in all of them. He does not even try very hard to be. Ridcully, the Archchancellor of the Unseen University, rowing champ and lifestyle shouter, just—is. As with the monastery in The Name of the Rose, all of the UU wizards are bad old men, but Mustrum is their king. He is a homicidal, crossbow-wielding maniac who is nonetheless the funniest ongoing Oxbridge joke in the books. Though a civilian, I have myself sat through dinners with Mustrum Ridcullys, and to be honest I did learn quite a lot about fly fishing. Despite being extremely clever he is totally dense. You cannot negotiate with him. You can rarely get through to him. He is totally unkillable, and entirely endearing. He is the one vile old man in this series that I would wish romantically upon anyone, if wish romantically involved a gimlet-eyed Esme Weatherwax talking shit at his funeral.
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Reaperman
The Narrator from Darkest Dungeon, by Red Hook Studios
Darkest Dungeon begins with your late ancestor, also the Narrator, negging you into saving your family seat from the ghastly Lovecraftian excesses he has visited upon it. He is already dead by the time the story begins and does not get any deader. The awful thing about the Narrator is that you could be forgiven at the start for thinking that he was just a bad Lovecraftian scholar who got in over his head, but as you move through the story you realise that everything is entirely his fault. The pirates scourging the land? He hired them to bring him evil drugs. The undersea abomination in the cove? An ex. The necromancer? A guy he invited to his birthday party, then shanked. Every pig man, every gibbering prophet, every cultist and monster, came at his explicit invitation or direct interference. He then jumped out a window and left it all to you, and you are never quite able to shake off the idea that he is enjoying watching you suffer at the hands of rabid dogs and human-sized trout. I also hate all the hints as to how he indulged in a sex life. I mean, I guess he’d have to in order for you to exist, but I can’t stand it.
He is easily the worst old man of the lot, even despite direct competition with the other bad old man in the game, the Caretaker, a man who is meant to be helping you but instead constantly escapes to get spanked by nuns. Awful.
TAMSYN MUIR is a horror, fantasy and sci-fi author whose short fiction has been nominated for the Nebula Award, the Shirley Jackson Award, the World Fantasy Award and the Eugie Foster Memorial Award. A Kiwi, she has spent most of her life in Howick, New Zealand, with time living in Waiuku and central Wellington. She currently lives and works in Oxford, in the United Kingdom. Gideon the Ninth is her first novel.
From a contemporary work involving a “Bad Old Man,” I nominate Andross Guile from Brent Weeks’ Lightbringer series. He is the grandfather and father of the two main protagonists but he is revealed to be an adversary to both as the series moves on. Smart, nasty, sneaky, unscrupulous, ambitious beyond words….quite a handful.
My first impulse was to ask, “Where’s Bayaz?”, but I’m glad to learn about some less well-known and/or more unconventional examples.
Definitely need to check out Roanhorse’s series.
Also, one other example that came to mind was Chant from A Conspiracy of Truth. Quite irritable, and while not… malicious per se, he manages to create quite a lot of destruction in the process of bluffing his way out of prison with no cards.
Lovecraft is full of these types, one would think he feared old people as much as he feared immigrants or seafood.
While Joseph Curwen was really evil, I have to think that ‘Wizard’ Whateley was even worse, considering what he put poor Lavinia through.
Chant from Alexandra Rowland’s A CONSPIRACY OF TRUTHS is an excellent Bad Old Man. He’s a wandering storyteller who starts the novel at his own trial, accused of witchcraft, espionage, and brazen impertinence. He uses the only power he has–his storytelling and his insight into human nature–in an attempt to save his own skin, and from a series of jail cells ends up inciting a nation’s disintegration. He’s wonderfully cantankerous, even to his adorably softhearted apprentice and his equally grumpy lawyer. I spent a good chunk of the novel yelling “CHANT NO” but I was there for every moment of the ride.
I nominate Lazarus Long, “hero” and author stand-in through many of Heinlein’s stories. He’s an ageless arch-Libertarian with a pregnancy fetish who has sex with his mother, his clone daughters (when they’re still underage, no less), most of his other female relatives, and all of the wives/daughters/sisters of his friends. And his computer.
Okay, no commentery on Dumbledore in spin off Harry Potter fiction is complete without My Immortal, YOU LUDACRIS FOOLS.
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Interesting topic ^^
I think Lazarus Long certainly epitomizes the role of dirty old man and rapist, but I think it’s hard to beat Johann Sebastian Bach Smith of Time Enough for Love and impossible to beat Atrocity Archives‘ Angleton in the “evil old man” category.
All the adults in Ender’s Game. All of them, including Ender’s parents, instructors, users, abusers… the whole lot. Classic case of do what needs to be done, and pay the price later.
The Jedi can all go into this category, too, IMO. They’re the good guys? How can you tell after they lie, cheat, manipulate, let people die, play with people’s thoughts and free will, steal, gamble, etc. As far as I’m concerned, they’re the good guys only because they claim to be the good guys, not because they are.
I squee over Tamsyn Muir. Her prose style and twisty thoughts are just wicked. And I’m very much looking forward to thei Giedon the Ninth book thingy, even if the only bad old man nearby is me, turning the pages and chortling.
weird typos above, /sub/ the Gideon, sorry
Nominating my lifestyle hero: The Dead Man from Glen Cook’s The Garrett Files. “You woke me up for THIS?”
@12: Does Angleton really count as a person, though?
@17,
A person, yes. An old man, maybe not.
I’d say a video game is rather like a Choose Your Own Adventure book.
I’ve never considered Name of the Rose as fantasy. Historical fiction in the mystery genre, but fantasy? Only because it’s in the middle ages, right?
For mad, bad old men, I’m not sure you can top 100 Days of Solitude for a cast of characters who never fail to be…interesting.
How about Bayaz, First of the Magi, or Nicomo Costca from Joe Abercrombie’s excellent First Law trilogy and sequels? Evil but delightfully evil due to the very hilarious way both characters see themselves and the world they inhabit.
So many other fine examples, but those I leave to everyone else.
@16, love your suggestion of the Dead Man
I would propose Belgarath from the Belgariad. He steals, he drinks to excess, he womanizes, and he’s 7000 years old.
For a clssic bad old man: the (unnamed) Duke of Coffin Castle, from Thurber’s The Thirteen Clocks. (If you haven’t read the book, find it; it’s not long and does incredible spins on classic tropes even without considering it’s from 69 years ago.) A villain with scope, who slays princes for “trampling the Duke’s camellias, failing to praise his wines, staring too long at his gloves [which he always wears], gazing too long at his niece … or dropping spoons, or wearing rings, or speaking disrespectfully of sin.”
Regarding White Locust. It’s my opinion that Tha is a very positive Old Man character. He is the wise grandfather . He knows so much more that you. He will love and care for you. He will insure you follow the traditional path. BTW To means water in Navajo so I knew he would be special and could not wait to see how he influenced the story. Oh boy I can’t wait for book three. Let’s see what the old god can do when he is a target. Water is life and always treated with reverence.
Seeing the Narrator from Darkest Dungeon on this list almost made me squee. I love video games as a story-telling medium, and I feel like not nearly enough credit is given to them in this respect. I’ve played games where the story-telling was so good, it literally gave me chills.
In addition, I have to give props to the Narrator’s voice actor, whose name escapes me at the moment, because as good as the story-telling is in this game, that sonorous voice is half of what gives this character his power.
By the way, if you are a fan of Lovecraftian fiction, do yourself a favor and look up the opening cinematic for this game. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.
@12: Johann Sebastian Bach Smith was from I Will Fear No Evil, not from Time Enough For Love. But yeah. He’s absolutely the worst. Or at least up there. Old man Jacob Burroughs from Number of the Beast was pretty frickin awful too.
If you want to see bad old men who get what they deserve, try Theodore Sturgeon’s The Dreaming Jewels. There are two evil stepfathers, one a judge who adopts a boy because it makes him look good politically and then abuses him, the other a carnival owner who takes in the boy but abuses all his employees. It takes a while, but boy, do they get what’s coming to them.
Thanks much for an entertaining and thought-provoking essay. I’m afraid that I disagree with most of it to the extent that I’m familiar with the works in question, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t a fun read.
“[…] sometimes he sucks and is awful—Tom Bombadil.” I admit that this is a popular opinion. That said, honestly you lost me right there and I never really recovered. Tom Bombadil is a strong nominee for Character That Would Be Most Out-Of-Place In “Modern” Fantasy. I love him for that. He is a signal that the world is a bigger place than this dark story, and that the legends we don’t see are as big and important as the ones we watch come to life. In any case, when the chips are down, he cheerfully bails the heroes out of an awful jam.
As for Albus Dumbledore, I’m not quite following “neglectful of bureaucracy; makes some mistakes” = “bad”. The guy dedicates his whole adult life to helping kids, for pity’s sake, and as far as we can tell is really pretty good at that job. He dies as a consequence of his leadership in the fight against the Big Bad. As for his staff, they all seem pretty happy with his leadership: we see no evidence of anything but loyalty and respect.
Mustrum Ridcully is more self-centered than those two, sure. But I don’t see much in his actual actions that would qualify him as “bad” at any point. For a “homicidal maniac” his actual body count is quite low, as far as I can remember — does he ever seriously hurt anybody?
Bottom line: I’m just not understanding what the theme is here. We clearly aren’t after actual villains, else characters like Baron Harkonen and Vlad Dracul would surely have to be there somewhere. If you had to pick a bad old man in Lord of the Rings I’d go for Saruman or even Denethor before Tom Bombadil of all people. If we’re after unpleasant but good old men in Harry Potter maybe Mad-Eye Moody would be a better choice than Albus Dumbledore?
Anyway, entertaining and food for thought. Thanks much.
Other old-school suggestions would include Nicholas van Rijn, from (among others) Poul Anderson’s The Man Who Counts and others of the stories of the Polesotechnic League. Anderson also wrote the stories of Flandry of Terra, who struggled to keep the lights of civilization burning, mostly for his own personal benefit.
Van Rijn is more the Old Man in the sense of this article, as he mostly only appears peripherally, as I recall, with his minions doing most of the action.
John Morressy’s Kedrigern is an old man, but only “bad” in the sense of not wanting to leave his house if he can avoid it, and having to be goaded and urged by his spouse.
And who can forget Master Li from Barry Hughart’s Bridge of Birds and sequels? Brilliantly funny, and surely he’s “bad,” as a liar, con man, and thief.