The Telegraph has reported that Ian McKellen turned down 1.5 million dollars in 2013 to officiate Sean Parker’s (of Facebook and Napster) wedding. The Tolkien-themed nuptials could only have been elevated by the presence of McKellen, but it seems that the couple wanted him to dress as Gandalf for the proceedings, to which he replied: “I am sorry, Gandalf doesn’t do weddings.”
While it is easy to understand McKellen’s reticence, it does get one thinking… if you could pick any SFF character to officiate your wedding, who would you choose?
Genre fans often find ways to loop their interests into the big day, from themed vows to unique rings to appropriate aisle-walking music to full-out cosplay. And of course, many couples opt for the Princess Bride classic at the start of the ceremony—”Mawwiage! Mawwiage is what bwings us together today.”
But nevermind the million dollar paycheck and a celebrity on the program; if you could just grab any old character from one of your favorite worlds to officiate, who would you chose? Someone who would elevate the romance of the proceedings? Someone who wouldn’t take it seriously at all? Someone who might show up to the ceremony after several early drinks at the bar?
Here are a few options to get us started….
Marvin, the Paranoid Android (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)
Sure, he would probably predict divorce or death or any number of unpleasantries during the vows, but that’s sort of the point, right? Any of his AI or robot brethren would be welcome to try their hand, really. Robot from Lost in Space, Johnny Five from Short Circuit, Jude-Law-the-Gigolo android from A.I., the M-5 computer from Star Trek if you want things to get really interesting. Oo! Ooooo! Wall-E and EVE!
Ruby Rhod (The Fifth Element)
This radio DJ of the future is liable to give you the raunchiest ceremony you could ask for, and he would be dressed to the absolute nines. Obviously, you’d want to make sure your entire wedding was built to the correct level of drama before asking Rhod to attend, but you’d end up with an event that no one would ever forget.
Delirium (Sandman)
She’d forget what she was doing every 30 seconds (and probably ask her fish to speak now or forever hold their… pieces of eight?) You would have a lovely rainbow of a ceremony, and everyone would leave confused about exactly what event transpired, if they could parse through the evening at all.
Iroh (Avatar: The Last Airbender)
He would be the warmest, fuzziest officiant in the universe. He would deliver a gorgeous anecdote about the power of love, and talk about how beautiful you were as a couple, how you complimented each other’s strengths and bolstered each other at your weakest. He would brew you a perfect cup of tea and you would cry the whole way through and you wouldn’t feel bad about it.
The Worm (Labyrinth)
He’s just a worm. A worm with a missus. He’s probably great at officiating. He probably got ordained back before the Labyrinth even existed, and has been dying to use those skills.
The Doctor—Preferably 5, 8 or 9 (Doctor Who)
Any of the Doctors could officiate, but Five, Eight, and Nine all seem the sorts who would actually get through your ceremony, rather than rushing off to save the world in the middle. Also, Nine would be super psyched that someone thought of him to do something not world-destroying, so he’d be the cutest.
Who are your officiant picks?
Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly., As a ship captain, he should be able to.
Cordelia from the Vorkosigan Saga. Mostly because her approval of any such ceremony would be an excellent sign.
Would Mon Mothma have that authority? But your Marvin mention makes me thin having C-3PO officiate a wedding would be very amusing. I am sure he would know all the proper protocol! R2-D2 would probably make an excellent ringbearer :)
Or heck, any Jedi, possibly? But not Luke Skywalker, because in this supposed fantasy setting where I’m getting married in some SFF context he’s the groom ;)
Sazed from Mistborn. With all his stored knowledge of religious practices, he’s the ideal choice no matter what type of ceremony is desired.
Commander William Adama when played by Edward James Olmos.
Patrick Stewart as Jean-Luc Picard. Definitely my #1
Definitely agreed on Sir Patrick Stewart…as Picard or otherwise! Which is of course even more amusing when you consider Sir Pat had his recent-ish wedding officiated by Sir Ian McKellen!
Perrin Aybara from Wheel of Time – “Well then. You’re married.”
Phil Coulson from the MCU
August Strindberg (and Helium) from the Strindberg and Helium videos (stretching as Strindberg isn’t really SFF but the video version seems fair to include)
Professor X
Belgarath from The Belgariad and The Malloreon (by David Eddings)
Thanks for reading my musings.
AndrewHB
If I want a God, then Flute from The Elenium and The Tamuli
Thanks for reading my musings.
AndrewHB
We all know Gandalf only does birthdays.
I’m not sure I’d have any SFF character conduct my wedding; just as a general theme whenever there is a wedding in SFF works there is a better than evens chance the bride will end up in the fridge pretty darn shortly. If I must though: Nanny Ogg from Discworld. For a start she won’t insist on many formalities (marriage is what you make of it, she might say, and as long as you make it fun) and will probably let me and newly joined scarper before things get too hot.
(Those picking Sir Patrick Stewart better make sure he’s doing Picard and not Avery Bullock though, that could end badly)
Thr Amyrlin Seat Siuan Sanche or Egwene al’Vere, or the Dragon Reborn
I’m not a fan of weddings and I’m not big on people either so I would probably go with Tasslehoff Burfoot just for my own entertainment. I’d just be sure to leave any valuables at home
Can I do the sorting hat? Just to be sure…
Really?
No one?
…..
“MEHWEDGE!”
(The WHOLE audience could join in!)
Garnet.
She’s literally made of Love.
Robinton, the Master Harper from Anne McCaffrey’s Pern books. He would officiate with great aplomb and afterwards compose & sing a song so haunting and beautiful that this marriage would live gloriously in people’s memories forever. And you could pay him just in really good wine.
Agreed on Sazed and Picard! And might I add Albus Dumbledore?
Jet from Cowboy Bebop.
Seconded on EJO’s Adama because boy howdy, does Adama need something cheerful to do!
And besides, duh, you don’t want Gandalf officiating the wedding. You want him to bring the FIREWORKS. Get Bilbo to officiate the wedding.
Seconding Acyn’s answer. The Impressive Clergyman should perform every wedding. *nods*
—Keith R.A. DeCandido
random22 @11
“We all know Gandalf only does birthdays.”
Threadwin!
Jubal Harshaw.
I don’t know who’s officiating the wedding, but I do know that Miles Vorkosigan is _not_ organizing the dinner afterwards.
Paul Atreides! Who doesn’t want to get married by both a God and Emperor?
I feel Sisko is the natural Trek choice, at least once he’s begun to get used to being the Emissary.
Or, if we’re talking space clergy, Shepherd Book or the Rev’d Dr Anna Volvodov (“The Expanse”).
Aeron Greyjoy, head of the only SFF religion I ever wanted to convert to. Presuming I wasn’t marrying him, of course.
@12: Suian would be fun, too, if she used lots of fish metaphors.
Amarante de Berengere, from Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel’s Scion series
Speaking of converting to SFF religions, I wonder if Ista would officiate a wedding. Though I question the wisdom of inviting the Bastard to bless a marriage.
Well, I’m Catholic and while I could imagine being some other religion in some other world, I would look first for a Catholic priest who seems to be a reasonably decent person. Father Forthill in the Dresden Files. Peter Crossman in The Apocalypse Door. Emilio Sandoz in The Sparrow.
noblehunter, Cordelia can’t officiate because (IIRC) Barrayaran custom is that the couple marries each other; there are witnesses but not an officiant. But I also would like her stamp of blessing. And would at least entertain the thought (and it is entertaining) of being married by an officiant of the Bastard, either Ista or Penric.
Elodin, definitely.
He’d either deliver the most beautiful speech you’d ever heard, or be bouncing off the walls, but I’d be hoping for both.
Here’s who I would NOT want to officiate at my wedding:
Kai Winn, from Deep Space Nine
The Impressive Clergyman from “The Princess Bride”
@30 With Penric and Des, I’d be afraid of the color commentary.
@30 – well, in the Catholic liturgy technically the couple marries each other there too. Although I think the priest is still referred to as an officiant.
(I’m Catholic too but I’m assuming in this SFF thought exercise the nature of the universe we live in is quite different, ha)
I was going to say Picard, because Sir Patrick Stewart, but I’m changing my answer to Sisko. He’s a family man, and a Captain with a great voice.
Picard, all the way.
In most things I would prefer Picard, but Sisko would give a much better wedding.
Does Alanis Morissette’s God from Dogma count? She’d be awesome
“Your next assignment is to have sex.” — Elodin
St. Vidicon of Cathode to the rescue!!! Who wouldn’t want the Saint of electronics to officiate a SF wedding.
From that list, I would pick Iroh. He has the understanding of character, the experience, and the patience (and the sense of humor) to be a good officiator. The officiator doesn’t ONLY do the ceremony, they also help with things before the wedding, and often people keep in touch with the person who officiated their wedding. Iroh is someone I would like to know :)
That or Obi-Wan Kenobi, or possibly Miles Vorkosigan. :)
My sister picked Dr. Who and signed the certificate with a sonic screwdriver pen.
Prince Vegeta. He would probably have everybody there scared. And wikl keep the wife to be in line for the rest of my marriage!
Belgarion, Belgarath, or Polgara (David Edding’s Belgriad/Mallorean), Pug (Riftwar saga, etc…), Professor McGonagal, Olliver Queen (as a former Mayor he has the authority), Harry Dresden, Protector Benjamin or Queen Elizabeth (Honor Harrington), Or Ed Greenwood’s Elminster. Any of these would be awesome officiants.
I’d like either Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones or Captain Sisko of Star Trek DS9, he officiated Worf and Dax!
I would like the Diva from Fifth Element, as long as she gave a performance as part of the officiating.
I can’t believe no one said this!!!
Hoid!!!!
I think both Sisko & Penric would be excellent choices. Maybe they could cooperate? (In reality it was a Cantor with a sense of humor. Which worked out really well.)
MKK
T’riss if you want a goddess. Shadowthrone if you want a god who was a priest (and can put up with his giggling) or ideally Kruppe (just for his introductory speech and subsequent blessing) from the Malazan world. Or Traveler.
The Lady from the Black Company.
Galactus or Uatau the Watcher. Since I am LDS and we are Married for Time and all Eternity, Eternity himself would be appropiate.
Sazed seems the most likely preference for me … or somebody I cannot remember just right now.
Definitely Extremelia Mume, High Priestess of Anoia, Goddess of Things That Get Stuck In Drawers, of course from Terry Pratchett’s Disc World series.
Since I’d be marrying Dr. McCoy, it would just be natural to have Captain Kirk officiate. I do agree, though, that of the Star Fleet captains, Sisko would be ideal.
Yoda would be an interesting choice, too. “Now kiss the bride, you may.”
Dr Bishop (Fringe) — just in case any of the parties change their minds, and need a little “adjusting”
The Monolith from 2001, mostly because I don’t see myself getting married anyway and so the Monolith showing up seems as likely. Plus, weirdness. :)
Sazed is a great choice with all his knowledge of religions.
Ebenezar McCoy would be another great choice. Who wouldn’t want to be married off by the Black Staff?
Gaborn Val Orden. The Earthking!
My personal favorite would be Gavin Guile, the Prism. His oratory skills would make the ceremony most memorable and the reception would be a blast!
Jenna Coleman (Clara Oswald) from Dr. Who
My wife and I actually did the Princess Bride opening. That was fun, especially since our guests had no idea it was going to happen.
When I read this post to my wife, she went with The Oracle from the Matrix. Interesting choice.
Just for the hilarity, I’m going to go with Crowley from Supernatural. Now that’d be a fun wedding. Or a dual officiant team of Crowley and Castiel. But then we might not actually make it to the end.
toryx: OMG, yes! How could I not think of Crowley and/or Castiel! What fun the reception would be.
MKK
Kirk! “INow. Pro. NounceYou. ManandWife.”
How about the God-Emperor, Leto II? Would certainly make for an impressive ceremony, and you could have him predict exactly if and when you’d divorce.
My first choice would be a tossup between Lusipher or Jace from Poison Elves comix
My second choice would be the Marquis of London Below in Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
My third choice would be optimus prime from the transformers series, he’s just so serious…
None of them.
I got married at the Fulton County Courthouse by a judge named Pinky. There were about 70 other people there and we got a mass “take him take her” . . . except when she got to the guy in the back, who said “No.”
Then there was the guy sitting behind us, a four foot sphere as was his fiancee, with his friends all around him patting him on the back and saying “You’re doing the right thing, man” as he pounded away at his Gameboy.
I wouldn’t give that experience up for any amount of Hollywood.
Has to be an elf, so it’s a toss-up between Galadriel and Elrond.
Captain Sheridan from Babylon 5. (Or Ambasssdor Kosh, to liven things up.) Bester, of course, is not invited, but would probably crash the wedding anyway.
@54 I’d prefer Hal, even if he may start the ceremony with telling us that “It can only be attributable to human error“.
I want Reed Richards to officiate.
He’s rich and invents cool things so I would likely get a nice wedding present of some sort. And weird things tend to happen at weddings when superheroes are around.
If all else fails, he would be interesting to chat with before the ceremony.
Saint Aqulian from The Search for Saint Aqulian
Saint Libowiske from Canticle for Libowiske
Easy. Madrak from The Lord of Light by Roger Zelazny. Just so he could use the Agnostic’s Prayer:
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.