Someone in control of the 2012 Olympics in London has almost certainly gone rogue and is throwing every British science fiction/fantasy element they can into the opening and closing ceremonies. Matt Smith of Doctor Who has already carried the Olympic Torch. Patrick Stewart carried it this week. The Spice Girls will reunite for the closing ceremonies. Liam Gallagher is doing a special version of “Wonderwall.”
Since the Olympics is going crazy with genre, we thought we’d join in the fun and put together a list of other things that they could do, along with a couple more things that they’re actually going through with.
- Holograms! Holograms of John Lennon, Keith Moon, Ian Fleming, King George the First. And of course, a hologram of Elton John.
- Wellies (that’s “rubber boots” or “galoshes” for everyone else) will be the official footware.
- The entire closing ceremonies will consist of a giant haunted house done in the style of Downton Abbey. Visitors will experience first hand what it’s like to be a lower-class servant and also to be madly in love with Mr. Bates.
- At the very end of the closing ceremonies, all the lights will go dark and King Arthur will emerge to pull the sword from the stone (winning the Gold for Britain. The end).
- Pasties will be the only food available near the stadium, lovingly handmade by Helen Mirren and Prince Harry. You will only be able to buy them with shillings.
- Benedict Cumberbatch agrees to marry everyone.
- An army of Mary Poppins will emerge to fight back against a giant 40-foot Voldemort while a bunch of children pretend to be sick.
- Sauron is defeated by Catherine Tate talking him to death.
- Ian McKellen will perform his one-man show: I, Gandalf, Magneto, Iorek the Giant Talking Bear. (Followed by Martin Freeman’s Traveling to Middle-Earth in My Bathrobe With A Detective in Tow.)
- All attendees will receive a free DVD of Love, Actually handed to them by Lily Allen.
- Cruella De Vil and Captain Hook and Alice from Wonderland will dance, sure why not.
- Winnie. The Pooh. Shakespeare. Daleks. ‘Nuff said.
- MI5 reveals James Bond, Emma Peel, and Harry Potter are indeed and in fact all real people, but played by actors in movies and TV. The real Bond, Peel, and Potter take a bow together. Sean Connery is the only person who boos.
Stubby the Rocket is the voice and mascot of Tor.com. Stubby is planning do paint itself like the Union Jack and fly over the ceremonies singing “God Save the Queen.”
Ugh. I cringe at the idea of another hologram appearing. Perhaps they’ll go for laughs and resurrect Benny Hill to chase the female athletes around the track, replete with that zany theme song blasting through the loud speakers.
I love the Cumberbatch one
Delightful! But I’m confused. Which of those things are the ones they’re actually going through with?
Pasties? You mean those stickers women put on their nipples?
Well, we already know that the Tenth Doctor lights the Olympic Torch…oops, spoilers!
Emma Peel! Emma Peel! Emma Peel! Please stubby get me her autograph when she is revealed. James Bond is awesome. Harry Potter is still fairly new. But Emma Peel was my first female action hero! And than she even dies after marrying James Bond. (i can never watch ‘on he majestys secret service again)
Loved the cumberbatch idea.
I support the “clap if you want the British team to win” theory. It worked for Tinkerbell….
If MI5 revealed that about James Bond, MI6 would get very angry with them. Then they would have to solve their dispute by having champions duel at a point midway between their headquarters. Which would be in the middle of the Thames. I’m staying out of London during the Olympics (huzzah for being allowed to work from home!) but I’d come in to watch that…
Xopher, we’ve added the news link to the actual weird thing that will happen.
What I want to know is how they will manage the disappearing audience from Doctor Who … hehe. Empty stadium!
@Azuaron – No, we mean pasties the food! :)
@LuvURphleb,
I watch “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” all the time. I just pretend that it is an elaborate plot to cover her identity so she can go on to the Avengers. (even though the timeline would be reversed. It is always possible. there has to be a time machine somewhere)
Then she went off to avenge her father in a series of Shakespearean murders and then followed him into hosting mystery shows on PBS.
You know, the usual stuff people do. :)
I would expect that as it is England that all of the buses would be fitted out with brass trimed windows and steam powered engines. The drivers would all dress like Queen Victoria and the ticket attendants would dress like Prince Albert.
Hilarious =)
Thanks for the laughs!!
Don’t forget that James Bond will parachute in too! LOLz. This opening ceremony is going to be nuts. http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/cows-sheep-james-bond-what-more-does-danny-boyle-need-for-a-smashing-opening-ceremony/2012/07/26/gJQAg7TxBX_story.html
Sauron is defeated by Catherine Tate talking him to death.
I can actually see this happening.
And then there’ll be a sing-along about crossdressing lumberjacks.